Uncomfortable Childhood Memories, Part 1

Orange You Glad You Didn't Say Banana

Although my childhood height and physique suggested I would be a great dancer, my coordination did not concur. Nevertheless, my parents enrolled me in jazz, tap, ballet (with private lessons!) and gymnastics classes over the course of several years. Based on the number and variety of classes, their theory must have been that the dance style I didn't completely suck at was just one genre away. "Perhaps hip hop," they must have said with palpable disappointment. When I was in 3rd grade (and, in the interest of full disclosure, Ist-12th grade as well) I was always cracking wise. My gymnastics teacher, let's call her Ms. Anderson, was teaching us the proper form for round offs and a girl in the class piped up, saying, "I remember learning that you should try to brush the imaginary cobwebs off the ceiling with your toes!" Without a moment's hesitation I said, "Who taught you round offs?! A BANANA?!" At this time the studio grew tense and quiet and the girl just squeaked out, "Actually, it was Ms. Anderson."

Image via Natalie Dee

Insta-Regrets

Does anyone else have the same affliction as me? I walk away from encounters (in person, on the phone, anything) and have instant-regrets about what I said. It's not so much that I said anything unkind, but that I didn't say any of the things I had thought or intended to say. It's rare that I don't end a conversation thinking "Oh, shoot, I was going to tell her that I liked her haircut" or "Oh, man, I totally forgot to congratulate him on his new job" or something like that. Even with my closest friends, I feel like an idiot because I tense up and sound completely unlike what I'm thinking or feeling. I often think of calling the person right back and going "Hey, remember 2 minutes ago when you said that thing about _____? I know I just said 'Ok, cool' but what I meant was 'I totally agree with you, I've thought the same thing, and I think that would be a great idea. Maybe add butter for a richer consistency.'" Maybe that last sentence is case specific, but you get the idea.